Schöne Dame schwer ist das herz, He said

And he couldn't be any more accurate . . . Todays post most of you won't be able to read, and those who can will laugh at my typically eloquent self in my sad approach to bring back some of my youth while not having to worry what I say. And here my attempt goes:

Heute fühle ich mich völlig gebrochen und zerrissen. Ich kann nicht mehr zu hören, Seine Weiche beruhigende Stimme, ich vermisse ihn so sehr den Schmerz ist der Tod zu mir. Ich habe gestrippt nackten ein Telefongespräch zeigt, dass er glaubt, ich habe ihn verraten. Das schmerzt mich kein Ende, denn er war meine Liebe und mein alles nur, wenn er treu bleiben seine Worte zu schätzen und alles, was ich bereit war, aufgeben, um für ihn in Ordnung zu sein.

Die Zeit wird alle Wunden heilen Leute halten mich zu sagen, aber was ist, wenn ich nicht wirklich wollen, dass sie zu heilen, wenn ich den Wunsch nichts mehr zu werden in der gleichen Misere hatte ich fühlte. Sicher werden können, Unwissenheit kann es Verzweiflung zu spüren etwas anderes als dieses unversöhnlich Traurigkeit hält das der unteren meiner Bauch. Ich kann mir nicht helfen, aber frage mich, ob er wirklich liebt ihre Ich glaube, das ist was verletzen mich am meisten.

Es fühlt sich an wie diese ist ein schlechter Traum ging furchtbar schief. Letzte Nacht der Mann, der nicht ihm hat mir gesagt, war ich lächelnd in meinen Träumen. Ich habe nicht die Herzen zu ihm sagen, ich war zu träumen meiner verlorenen Geliebten. Ich habe nicht die Herzen zu ihm sagen, egal, wie süß er war ich bin einfach nicht bereit, loszulassen. Ich bin mehr gefühl jetzt als hoffnungslos Ich kann immer darauf zu erinnern. Kann jemand bitte rette mich?

No Shame In This

So, we've gotten into the topic of rebounding. My perception on rebounding is a relationship that starts up very quickly after another relationship has ended. Rebounds are rarely based on love but are a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends.

The are used for the security - The feeling of being in love and more than anything else they want to feel that security again. They convince themselves that they are in love when they are actually missing the safety and comfort of the relationship they left behind.

If an old relationship keeps interfering with the progress of a new relationship it means that the relationship is a rebound. When somebody is on the rebound they are not entirely over their previous relationship. They may still be trying to work out unresolved issues from that relationship.

Now I won't deny that you could say I am rebounding; or that I don't think of him daily. But I can say I no longer have love for him; but more of the person he used to be and the times we once shared - I am for the most part over them too.

You ask if I think he's rebounding. Well, that's something entirely different. Once he said to me, "I used to think love was any pretty girl who payed me attention."

Keep this in mind while you decide, friend. Maturity is something that is above all. It can not be taught, but must be learned.

I said no shame - Pay attention.

For the record, someone who's rebounding would still be impacted by unsettled feelings from the past - At this rate I'll be over it by next month.

I'll Take My Own Advice

When we feel broken hearted it is all too easy to wallow in the emptiness and pain and forget that as with everything in life this to shall pass. Yes, it is true; you will get over your broken heart and live to love again, as will I.

What is not as certain is how well we will heal. While the pain of every love lost does eventually pass we do carry scars. Some of these scars are nothing more than memories of events with no recollection of the emotions those events once invoked. In these memories we learn lessons. We learn what we will and will not tolerate in relationships. We learn what our limits are, emotionally speaking, and we learn about our capacity to love. We learn what we want and don’t want in a partner, the traits we find attractive and those that we can live without.

By trial and error we learn what it is we really want in our love life and that makes all the heartbreaks worth the pain. We find out new things about ourselves when we lose love. Some of those things are hard to face because being human we are not perfect and when a relationship ends we are forced to confront our own role in its demise.

Relationships never ever end because of one person. It is an intricate web of many different factors contributed by both parties that determines whether a relationship works out or fizzles out. By treating a break up as a learning experience we can stop ourselves from making similar mistakes in the next relationship.

While it may be repetitive to hear nursing a broken heart is an essential part of having healthy well-adjusted relationships, it is the truth.

Note To Self, & You

I was asked, "If I were to love, and then discovered it was a lie, would I still love this lie?"

I think this a very important question. One that is far too often overlooked as an obvious. Typically people see themselves as 'I'm too distanced/jaded to admit' that you could possibly be weak to those who burry themselves deep inside your heart - To love is unconditional is it not?

Yet all too often we can decieve ourselves with delusions of our own making and then perhaps, it is the delusion we love and not the person. Beware of this cause for some to say, "Love is blind."

On the one hand love of the delusion is shattered by the acceptance of the truth, but may I suggest that acceptance of the person's reality vouchsafes the love of the person. Therefore your love may remain even if the truth shatters the illusion inflicted upon you.

However, if it is the promise implicit in the illusion and not the reality of that person you need, then it is not love to remain with that person because this ultimately decieves the person and hurts you.

I think that being honest enough to disengage from someone who won't meet your emotional needs is a profound act of love, after all it is not love at all to live a lie.

Glorify The Object

I wanted to write something profound but I am sitting here bleary-eyed and weary. I have received news recently that will reshape the outlook of my future . . .

I want to accept the fact that this is the life we have and that there are certain things we will and won't have to do/be in order to feel content - yet not so content that we become complacent.

Yes I would like to go back to Europe with a lover one day. Anyones lover for that matter.

As I judge, I can also be judged.

glo·ri·fy
–verb (used with object), -fied, -fy·ing.
1.to cause to be or treat as being more splendid, excellent, etc., than would normally be considered.

2.to honor with praise, admiration, or worship; extol.

Dear Lady,

I stare into the mirror, but you've already left. Your make-up lingers on my cheek, a badge of your love, my devotion. Outside the heavens explode in an one-instrument harmony; the percussion of raindrops echoing down this lonely street. The crack and roll of the thunder, the encore to the beautiful symphony of the night.

Cut By Numbers

I.

these
broken bits
of bitterness
that self control
can't
confine have
sold me short
of pretending that
I am
safe.

II.

doing what i've
wanted has left me
miserable
but
hell,
at least
someone
was entertained.

III.

The ocean is beautiful and sad and people love it for a couple of days before leaving it. They call it their home, they say their blood runs thick with it, they breathe the air and finally feel at peace with all their pieces.

They leave and choose every time to continue their old life, the one without surprises and abounding with uneasy comfort. Secretly people long for the ocean, want to remember how happy they felt and be encompassed in wild wonder.

The ocean never changes. It watches as you sit and weep. It watches as you bring new lovers and pretend to have something worth while. As you stand and think and fall in love with crashes. It watches as you grow old and slowly fill with more frustration and anger for a life you can't be bothered to change.

There's a secret that it can't tell you. Something so deep and heartfelt and you can lie to yourself, but that never changed anything. It can't.

The ocean doesn't care. It can't.

IV.

I can't see the ocean from where I live,

but I can feel the pulses in my heart and
at one time
yours.
Mine is fast, fluttery,
will probably fail.

Yours is slow and steady
and strong, except
when I was
close
closer
closed.

My arms tangled with
your arms, my fingers tracing your
fingers, my body aligned
with your body, my mouth on your
lips. we covered each other,
saved each other.

Nothing
was said.

You called me nice as I showed every hateful part of my personality. We spoke of the woman you were going to sleep with that night, not a suitable replacement for me but one that won't ask as many questions. You laughed over my slipping words, my inexcusable panic. I stared you down as you tried to bring up the courage to look me in the eye. You watched my control dissolve into a scar, one that creates hard eyes and false smiles.

The rhythms are pounding in my
mind, in my lungs. I need escape,
but it will only be a
vacation, a few days of
quiet before chaos
catches up.
I can't escape my thoughts.
I want to scream, but I need
the silence so terribly.
I want to leave.
Every thing is so broken.
The ocean is too far away
(like yourheartbeat)
and the rain does believe in always.

Remember?

I wanted to ask if I was beautiful now that I have nothing to offer you. I told you that I wasn't willing to ignore the worst parts of your personality, that I accepted you as a whole being. You told me you have grown tired, so tired. (I couldn't wake you up. I can't make you see. You're just so scared.) You looked bored. It would have been the same reaction if I had told you I loved you. I didn't know real life could be this goddamn dramatic, this ugly . . . this sad.

It's a desolate
cold place.

Loneliness, that is.