November Bray

late november
still no snow

mr winter is waiting
on the subway
like everyone else
for a second there
you almost had me fooled

I belong to nobody
and nobody is always around me
playing with my laughter
making me smile
because it’s all so silly

life is too easy
let’s complicate it
to make it smaller
the secret is out
but you are not listening

my warm sweater
matches my heart
and my blood red nails polish
brings colors to life

it’s been a crazy year

winter waits for nobody
it’s all around me

Certainty For The Passing Skies

You know, even if I don't write in a public journal, I always write. For no reason at all I'm debating on posting them, atleast some of them. Most who read my journal get the impression I leave my inner most thoughts here . . .

_{I really wish that were the case.}

- Update

It's Nov 30th and I've gotten midway through June... Tedious tasks tend to take me forever. Forgive me.

Compassion For The Masses

I've changed, I've evolved, and I've gotten myself stuck in a situation that I'm not sure how to do the thing I'm best at- run.

If a person stays in an unhappy relationship are they wasting each other’s time to move forward in life? If person cannot truly be themselves around the person they are with, then what is the point of being with them in all reality? It also stops a person from becoming the person truly are meant to be... A happy relationship leads to a happy life since it all works together. Or so I keep telling myself...

Then I've to ask myself if a happy relationship is even able to exist. People's social behaviours change as often as the wind, thus how do you ever know what you have will last beyond this passing breeze?

I want moments in life to mean something more than just another day. I want a kiss to mean more than just a kiss.

I am simple girl that I am not the type that needs all of his attention every single minute of the day. It is those simple things that get to my heart the most like cooking dinner, flowers, watching a movie at home, a smile with a hug or a simple note with saying he wants me. Getting to my heart is very simple with kindness and compassion.

The heart says so many feelings that cannot be explained. It feels so strong at moments feels so right at other times can feel so wrong. I think the egyptians were correct, it's stronger than we think it is. It does what it wants at times really have no control over it. The heart has mind of its own in so many ways. That cannot be explained with a word but felt with a feeling.

I'm not sure if I'm justified in my worries, each passing moment I think I grow to resent a little more for serveral different reasons. I do my best not to step on toes or tread water, not like some people, for I am not careless. Is it too much to ask for someone who holds emotion in the same regaurd?

_{When he resembles the man I got involved with, I am madly in love with him
I've always been attracted to him
I liked the humble loyal man he was, the cocky guy who I cant trust is a stranger to me}

Expectations Of Self

Who are you? Are you the person that you allow the world to see? Or do you hide behind a mask of who you think the world wants? If you do hide, why isn’t being you good enough?

I think many of us go through life always trying to please everyone else. We become what others say we should be. But what about us? What about what we want for ourselves? Do we value that person who is ourselves so little that we are willing to sacrifice them for the sake of others wishes and needs? And to what cost to our own being are we doing that?

Do you always find yourself a chameleon in your crowd? Blending in with whoever you are around at that moment? Ever wondered to yourself why? I have wondered that very thing. Why I try to blend into the world, when I obviously evolved to stick out! I was never supposed to be someone who just went along with the program of life. I am supposed to forge a new life for myself, showing others the way how to do it for themselves.

My times where I am most unhappy is when I try to be something for someone else and don’t stay true to who I am. I question myself the most at these times, and I try to learn from my mistakes. Still occasionally I fall like everyone else does into the trap of being a people pleaser. I don’t like to create waves or cause grief. I like to make everything calm in my surroundings. Sometimes that means compromising myself to make that happen. How sad is that?

I like who I am. I am proud of the woman I see in the mirror each day. My goal to leave this world a better place is a lofty one and one that I am happy with. I never intentionally do harm or have malice of heart or spirt. So what else should I expect from me I wonder?

Turn Left

Depending on what stage we are in our lives, we can sometimes feel like we ought to know more about who we are or how to live. We may even berate ourselves for making the same mistakes, or for just not “getting it,” whatever “it” may be. We wonder how our lives would be now, if only we had “known better.” During moments like these, it is important to remember that none of us are born with instruction manuals and that learning lessons is a lifelong journey.

Inherent to our being born is that we are here to observe, learn, and grow. Accompanying this is a built-in guarantee that there will be mistakes and misadventures along the way. And while it is only natural that we may sometimes become overwhelmed, especially when the lessons keep coming, it is important to remember that learning to understand yourself and your world is an ongoing and active process where the journey is more important than the destination. Every lesson is intended so you can become more of who you are. And as you grow through this self-discovery, you begin to create your own instruction manual. The “how’s” and “why’s” are yours to discover, and part of the beauty of being alive is that these rules are always changing.

If you feel that you would like to explore what your personal instruction manual may already say, then try writing down in order some of the significant events that have happened to you. It’s also important to take note of what you learned from each one. When you are done, you may be surprised to discover how much you are always growing, and that every lesson learned always informs the next. That being said, there is never any need to be hard on yourself or think that you should have it all figured out. We always know as much as we’re meant to know at that moment, and growing into our fullness is a process that unfolds in divine timing. You and your life are beautiful works in progress. Discover yourself and embrace your life’s lessons, and your instruction manual will create itself.

Have A Nice Day!

I have read a great deal about positive thinking and how it can help aid in success and happiness. People who have motivational sayings, pictures of goals that can be seen often and repeatedly have more of a statistical chance to make those goals happen. That is a fact according to the studies I have read.

I am unsure if the reason for this is that you are constantly reminded to keep your “eye on the ball” so to speak, or if it changes your thinking in ways that make you behave in a more successful manner.

Years ago I read an interesting study about successful people. Some huge percentage of those people wrote out a list of goals that they wanted to achieve in high school, and a life plan on how to attain those goals. An even higher percentage of those who made lists, gave themselves timelines in order to achieve each step towards their goal.

Many books have been written about this subject. Seeing yourself successful and happy being the theme. Books like “The Secret” and “7 habits of highly effective people”.

I have mentioned that as a child I attended Silva Mind Control seminars with my mother which focuses on the same type of positive thinking equals positive results philosophy. Dare I say it, but part of the basis of Scientology (those whackjobs) is overcoming negative thinking and visualizing your goals as being achieved.

My mother who was in sales for basically her whole career used to visualise herself making the sale. When she did this, and she focused on it, she noticed a dramatic increase in her sales. Once she was very frustrated with her management in one store, so she decided to visualize herself being top salesperson to show that manager he was wrong. She achieved her goal and surpassed her targets for the entire quarter in that month.

The problem with this is that it takes discipline and focus. Most people do it for a while and then forget. That is why tangible reminders like pictures on your refrigerator door, desktop on your computer, and notes to yourself help keep you motivated and on track.

Positive thinking really has no drawback. It costs nothing to do, there is no side effect or downside. Maybe its worth thinking about to make the changes in your life that you wish to make? Worst thing that could happen with all of that positive energy is that you could in fact “Have a nice day”!

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

I have been in situations where people have hurt me to the core of my being. I mean, really truly hurt me. Yet, they have later come to me and have apologized for their tresspasses towards me and asked for my forgiveness. I have forgiven them both for them and for me. I haven’t seen the point in hanging on to the anger and the bitterness of the situation.

There have been times I have chosen although to forgive this person, at the same time, I have not chosen to continue with them in my life. That was a difficult thing. It leaves them feeling as though they haven’t been truly forgiven. They have. I just don’t need to put myself into that situation again to be hurt. I have realised I don’t NEED that person in my life and what they brought to my life wasn’t significant enough to warrant me continuing to have any kind of contact or relationship. It was unhealthy.

I have also been in the position of looking at the entire situation, the person as a whole and being able to really see the hurt for what it was. I was able to forgive that person, not forget what they have done, but love them and move on with them as a part of my life. It wasn’t an easy thing to do by any means. Trust had to be re-established. They as a person had to be worth risking putting myself out there for again. What they brought to my life had to be worth it. The good had to outweigh the bad. I had to decide in my mind and heart and soul if this was something that would be isolated, or something that would be habit from them.

Only once in my life have I been someone who has really needed forgiveness for my own transgressions. I made mistakes because I was not trying to hurt anyone but actually I was trying to inflict the most minimal of damage to all parties. Trying to take the biggest hit to myself. It was an arrogant thing to do looking back on it, and in some ways a weak thing. But of course hindsight is always 20/20. I am now the one seeking forgiveness. It is an uncomfortable and an unusual place for me to be. A very humbling place for my soul.

Being on this side of the fence for a change has taught me about patience. I feel now what all of the people have felt when they have wanted my forgiveness in the past. That anxious feeling. That need for the other person to let it go and say it will all be ok. My own need to fix it and make it better due to my guilt, and self loathing.

Being on both ends in my life I see now that it is a process. Not an easy one at that for either party. I have to have faith that forgiveness will come from my heart and from those I seek forgiveness from. One step at a time. One day at a time. At least there will be no fear of anyone forgetting this important life lesson. I am grateful for it. It will make me stronger and better in the end.