Life Suckers (and things that rhyme)

Life suckers that gain glee from finding a fresh piece of juicy meat to gnaw their mangy blunt teeth on. You know the type, the ones that latch on and suck you dry of all you have replacing your positivity with negativity, inch by inch you become a prune of what you used to be.

Wrinkles covering our faces are nothing like the ones inside, being sucked dry from inside out leaves deeper grooves than could ever be seen upon your external skin and the damage far deeper. Depending on how long the sucker has been leeached onto you, your body will start immitating the state of your soul. Your walk will change and become sluggish, your feet not quite lifting off the street as you walk, your head is heavier and leans more forward than straight upwards, instead of facing the world your eyes fall to the fall.

Life suckers are killers, there is no pretty way of putting it and point blank they don’t deserve the meat they are sucking on, you.

Symptoms of the Life Sucker virus:

<sub>Guilt trips for simple things, this may include things such as not wanting to do something that the other wants to do in the form of “Fine, sure, I’ll go alone” or “Well I won’t eat alone so I’ll just skip”. The list for this one is long and varied, take your pick and add it to the list.

You discuss something exciting, either an idea or something you want to do, with them and they turn around and give you a negative either about why you can’t do it or point blank why it won’t work without stopping to hear you out.


They criticize you in anything you do, nothing that you do seems to meet the grade even though they miss the boat more often than not


You greet them with happiness and they respond with negatives either about you or themselves


They expect you to fix their lives instantly and when you do something to help them they turn round and spit in your face


You listen to them for hours and they ask your advice only to turn round and do the opposite or better yet ignore everything only to come back to you soon after to talk about it all over again.


They treat you well to your face and then when you turn your back you find that others come to you telling you things about yourself you didn’t even know.</sub>


The list is long, perhaps you recognise a life sucker in your life and can think of more examples. If you’re willing to share lets hear them, the more comprehensive list of symptoms we can get the better equipped we will all be in extracting this killer virus, sometimes hidden by smiles, from our lives once and for all.

The thing is, once you realise you have a life sucker in your life extracting those mangy blunt teeth is not as easy as appearances belie. Sometimes those teeth belong to family members, life long friends or even people we can’t easily remove from our lives such as work colleagues and the likes there of.

The only cure is the realisation of what they are, once you’ve come to this realisation that they are Life Suckers you will start noticing all the things that they do to you, the things that drain you of your spirit, your energy, positivity and happiness. Once you start noticing all the little things they slowly start building up to the point that you have enough resistance to their venom and become strong enough to say “Enough is enough” or better yet “I am worth more than this, I want my energy and life force back, fuck off”

Yeah I swore, no pretty way of saying it like I said. Ok so perhaps not in those exact words but you get the point, perhaps you can soften it up by telling them to go find someone else to suck dry because you’re done or tell them that they need to find happiness within themselves because living and laughing for two doesn’t quite work.

Killers these Life Suckers are, don’t let them suck you dry because one day you’ll wake up and you will be the very thing that sucked you dry.

Scary shit

Swore again but how else do you say it with the same emphasis?

Take back your life, it’s time…

Cheers to 2009

2008… What a weird, strange, wonderful, horrible, traumatic, incredible, beautiful, loving, heart breaking, joyous, loss filled, soul destroying, knee jerking, soul lightening, friendship filled year of growth and forgiveness!

There is never any bad without good, a lesson I learnt at a young age, and although this year was more eventful than I have shared there were many moments of pure “oh wows”.

This year I lost a mentor, soul mother and friend. She helped me during my homeless years, someone that kept me on the right road and called me the Daughter given by Allah. Nessa was one of the good souls in this world, someone I will hold in my heart always, one whom I shan’t forget, both her memories and lessons. I am who I am today because of this wise woman and I was truly blessed with the chance of having her in my life.

This year I gained another mentor, a soul sister and friend. Her kind and compassionate soul stuck with me through thick and thin, never faltering, she kept me sane through long moments of insanity and loves me no matter what.

This year I dug through all the cupboards within the attic of my past, went through each box one by one and did some dusting, clearing out and accepting. Reliving the past willingly was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Facing the demons that lurked in the darkest corners and staring them in the eye soul destroying at times.

This year I re-learnt some valuable lessons, picked up a few new ones and found acceptance for what was that can never be undone or changed. I forgave the trespasses against me and re-looked at the reasons for their actions, what made these people do the things they did to me. I forgave these people a long time ago but never truly faced the anger that simmered deep within my belly. I gave it up, understood and accepted. Through it all I have grown strong and never again will I allow all that has happened in the past to happen once more.

This year people whom I thought were one thing, true and with backbone broke my heart. Family members and once good friends alike, chance after chance, they proved themselves the fakes that they are. Lies, deceptions, manipulation and selfishness ripped my heart to shreds, over and over again to the point that I started to believe that there were no people in this world with a heart or soul.

This year I was shown over and over again that there are people in this world that have the biggest of hearts, whose souls shine such bright lights that they pierce the darkest of nights. For each person that broke my heart in my life I have found more than a couple of true, brilliant, amazing, warm, giving, kind, compassionate and loving people whom I now call dear friends.

Thank you all.

Fish With Legs

Some people are runners and others find their feet glued to the ground much like looking down to see that your feet are embedded in a floor of cement with not even the toes showing.

Those who have their feet solid on the floor often frown upon those that have the impulse to run. They do not understand the reasons behind a runner or what sets off a sprint. Often they will frown upon them and castigate them, laugh and pity them. Often they do not take the time to look at their own lives to see their own legs were once free and sprinting.

I am not beating anyone up here just merely explaining the different impulses as I see them, impulses brought about by more things that just fear.

Fear, an interesting creature often put to blame for the impulse to run, but is it just that? Fear? In my books it comes down to our lives, how we grew up, our self confidence, how many times we have had our hearts broken, how many times our soul has been burnt alive…

There are no short answers as to the whys nor are there any short answers to the solutions, rights or wrongs. Each persons reasons are different to the other, we are each unique and hold a different set of circumstances and life experiences.

If someone gets close to us, gets under our skin, a runners first impulse is to split the scene of the crime and not go back while a huge “Danger Danger” sign flashes in the backs of our minds in neon yellow.

“What if the person under our skin hurts us like the last person, I can’t take another heart and soul beating. I can’t risk breaking again because I might not rise again. I am just going to mess this relationship up again like the last time. I am going to fail. They are going to see me for who I am and not like me anymore. I don’t deserve this. I can’t risk experiencing true happiness in case it gets ripped from under my feet again. No ways. Stop it before it has even started, way easier. Run. Get out. Run. Fast get out quick! RUN!”

If someone is kind to us and shows compassion the same sign flashes once more.

“How long will their kindness last, will they turn into another person like the last? What if I fail them? What are the strings attached, there must be a few evil lurking strings just waiting to break me down again. Don’t trust them, they will just hurt you like the others. Don’t believe for one second that their intentions are good, no ones is, you know this, you’ve seen it over and over and over again. Run. Before they break your heart and your faith in humanity forever more. I won’t get up again if I stay around to see it all fall. Get out. Run. Fast, quick get out! RUN!”

… and so it goes, the impulse to run.

Survival of the fittest, I’ll get out before you get the chance to break me to the point I won’t be able to get up again.

Survival of the weak or of the brave?

Fear disables a persons spirit from experiencing true happiness, beauty in the small moments and life.

Fear is a giant jigsaw puzzle with so many pieces that often it can overwhelm us to even contemplate putting it all together. But, once you start finding the pieces, looking at each different colour, shape, contour and patterns, slowly it starts to fall into place. Piece by piece the puzzle grows unveiling a deeply buried truth hidden in a locked tight chest within our soul.

Putting the pieces together takes a lot of hard work, no quick fix lasts forever. Sometimes it can get so hard that we start to think that to even contemplate continuing our last thread will snap, shatter into millions of pieces. All those puzzle pieces stand like a wall before us, overwhelming us and bringing us to our knees.

If you walk into a gallery you always stand back to take in the whole image that lies before you. Looking at the puzzle we are putting together is much like that picture hanging on the wall in the gallery. In order to see how much progress we have made and are making we have to step back and look at the whole. Take in all that we have found out about ourselves, see the true growth and our stumbling blocks, where the other pieces fall and where the gaps lie.

Putting the puzzle of reasons for our fears, our impulses and our lives together is no simple four by four image. It is the most complex puzzle with contours that put a 3D shape to shame but the end result is one of the most rewarding nourishing things that feed our souls.

Without realising it the pieces that you put into the puzzle turn into the walls that once stood in your way preventing you from doing things, the walls that made a maze out of your heart and blocked true joy from filtering through to your spirit.

Its a hard, scary, sometimes floor crashing journey but more worth it than I could ever put into words. Making the choice to build that puzzle is our individual choice. Each and every single one of us has one to build, whether you do it or not is up to you.

Are you a puzzle builder?

In Experience

There is so much talk about experience these days.

In university I even studied theoretically the factors of an experience. I learnt that an experience is created when it exceeds the expectations. Further, the expectations are built up by all previous knowledge/experience. That means, when you are eating an apple that you expect to taste in a certain way and it does, it does not leave an impression on you. If you have “forgotten” how the apple taste like, you can have a similar experience as you have had before, but never the same.

(Well, maybe if you have Alzheimer’s, you can re-discover the same thing over and over again, like a gold fish swimming around in the bowl “hey, look at the castle!” but that is another discussion)

The factors of an experience are many.

- There is the “room” or the setting in which the experience takes place. This can be a restaurant, a beach, a library, an open field. Any “place” really. But the “experience room” always exists. When you are in love the experience room can be the smallest space between you and your loved ones eyes.

- Then there are the objects of your experience. What you focus on. In a positive experience you see positive things. You see the smiles of the children and your glass is always half full. In a negative experience the negative aspects of things are enhanced. You may experience the children’s play as loud and annoying.

- Your condition coming into the “experience room” is crucial. As time is always on going this means, the conditions of one experience affects the next. There are positive or negative circles of events, in which we sometimes let our selves get pulled into. Which is positive if you are in a positive circle, but quite dangerous if you are heading down a negative twirl. Anyhow, you need to be aware of the condition you are in and never blame circumstances or events, because an event is just that, an event.

- The outcome is your perception of these things. Because we are human our experience will always be subjective. Out of the factors, the condition is what has the greatest effect.

Those who have learnt to control their mind set know that an experience is not about the outer condition. Rain is rain on all people, but we are having millions of different experiences of it.

We can not share an experience.

Never judge a person by their appearance. Your judgment about other people, is the truth about your self. That is, your opinions about other people actually says more about yourself. Your previous experience, your insights, your fears...Never look neither up to nor down on people but meet them as equals. You do not know what they are experiencing, and you do not know how you would act in their shoes.

Do not think so much about what other people are experiencing, but be present in your own.

Then you will know, the experience is not in the greatness of your surroundings, but in the greatness of yourself.

Longing

beautiful as the sky is
was

maybe I was imagining it all
still

the universe is so hollow
when you let me down

time and time again

Self Awareness Week

I have had a few occasions recently that I have heard people blame their life’s problems on other people. They can’t do this or that because of another person, what they did, or what they are going to do. They use everything as an excuse.

Many people hold on to bitterness gained in their childhood. They blame their parents for everything that has happened in their lives. But really once you are an adult, you can make your own choices. No one is holding you to the behaviors of your parents anymore. I hate it when people excuse their behavior with comments like “I was raised this way” or “I was abused therefore I’m different and allowed to behave badly”.

I know a now 41 year old man who struggles financially, and personally. He blames the state of his finances on his parents. He is forever whining with “Poor ME”! Why, you might ask? His reply is: “They never taught me how to manage money”. This man didn’t have the best parents in the world, but he had everything given to him. He had nice clothes, a nice home, cars bought for him. Yet he still blames his parents for his failings in life? How could that be I wonder? His sisters who grew up in the same household all manage their money and do well financially.

I know another set of siblings who are given every single opportunity in life and more and they keep failing at everything. One of them uses the excuse that she was sick as a child, and can’t cope with life. The other, I’m not exactly sure what his problem is, but he blames his dad anyway. These people are now in their late 20’s and can’t hold jobs, can’t hold partners, and can’t deal with their own lives. How sad is that?

There is a time to deal with it and grow up. Yes, things might not have gone your way in the past, but are you going to let that affect the now and the future? Are you going to let “them” whoever they may be, put you in a place where it ruins your entire life? Haven’t they taken enough from you?

It’s hard to get rid of the “old tapes” that play in one’s mind. Believe me, I have plenty of them myself.

I had it very hard growing up. My father died early on and there was alot of physical and emotional abuse from my mother. But I have taken that energy into making myself better. Learning from mistakes. Being a solid person. That is my choice. I don’t want to relive it as an adult. Each choice that I have made has ensured that I don’t. I don’t want to marry a carbon copy of my father, or become my mother. That idea just depresses me.

We do get to choose. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to get out of the cycle, rut, stagnation of our lives and do better. Attitude is a big part of it. Making conscious positive choices rather than allowing the wave of life wash over you is another.

In the end, the only person you have to blame or congratulate for your life is you.

Jumping Fences

Today I had a very good reminder of the old saying “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”. The only thing is that it never really is. Despite outward appearances, no one ever has the perfect life.

I was reminded of this today when talking with someone on the phone who doesn’t yet know me well. This person doesn’t know that I am ill, or what my life is really like. To them, I seem like I have it all. Good home, all of the comforts that money buys. I don’t work hard, I don’t have much in the way of responsibility other than to myself. I travel and do alot of exotic things that most people only dream of. At least that is how it looks on the outside.

To her, my life seems so perfect. I have a very green yard looking over the fence at it. Living it however is a whole other challenge. You can’t see from over the fence reality.

I have seen many people envy and be envied for various reasons. Some for their beauty, other for their wealth. But even those things come with a double edged sword. Beauty fades, and one needs to constantly maintain that beauty to hold it for as long as possible. When that is gone, then what? It takes a great deal of discipline, effort and work to maintain beauty. People who have money constantly worry about keeping hold of it. There are always people who want to take it from you, or those who will only like you because of what you have.

I have also see women envy other women for the husbands that they choose. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. He can be the greatest guy in public, but the biggest jerk in private. I know, I was involved with one of those not too long ago. All of the money in the world didn’t make me happy with him. Little did anyone know how verbally abusive he was in private. All the world saw was this successful man with a great fun loving personality.

My friend the Tree looked to be someone to be envied from the outside. Her grass looked oh so green. She and her husband are beautiful physically, wealthy, educated, sophisticated, well travelled, have two absolutely brilliant and beautiful children and a magnificent home. But, it doesn’t show that her husband is a bi-polar, drug abusing, very sick person. You can’t see the hell that he has put her through. So with all of that green grass to look at, her garden is merely spray painted to look that way.

Understand that we all have “crap” to deal with in our lives. No one ever has it perfect. Not that I have seen anyway. There is no such thing as perfection when it comes to life. We all have to take our fair share of drama and unhappiness, and depression. That is simply the way it works. No one ever gets a free ride ticket.

So instead of envying someone else, you might want to put that energy into making your own life as good as you can… right? Wanting what it is you have and being satisfied is a good start….