Humpty Dumpty

Its a strange quest this lifetime of mine, one filled with irony and life lessons till the brim. Each corner I turn lies wait a pouncing tiger just waiting to teach me a new move turning me into mma fighter on steroids before my very eyes. Oh how I wish I could be that some days and know all the moves, have the strength of soul to perfect them to the “T”.

Some days that pass by I find myself the kung fu master only to wake up the next day and find I’ve forgotten the moves. The irony of being is found in so many ways.

I love unconditionally, I love fully but I when another person tries to love me to the same level I get scared, nervous and on edge as if they are the tiger not I.

I give unconditionally; I give my last cent to the person who needs it and sometimes to the person who doesn’t. I do it without them knowing and sometimes with them aware, either way I give with out thinking. If someone else tries to give to me I refuse it or worse yet I tell them that I can’t accept their gift for they shouldn’t and can’t spend on me even if it is in love.

I support others whole heartedly, I cheer leader them and throw the pom poms around with much fan fair, I help them through difficult times, offer both my shoulders to cry on and help them in any way I can. If someone tries to help me, support me, I get nervous, scared, stubborn and well I tell them I can do it alone.

I can listen to others for hours about their troubles, their life and their highs, it doesn’t bother me, I actually prefer it. I don’t find it easy to talk about me, my problems, my life or my highs. They just happen and most often than not I “process” them first before I talk about any of them at all.

I know why each irony is there, black and white if you prefer. Its so clear as day what the night is that lies beneath each word. I don’t obsess but I do know and understand. Each day that passes me by I struggle with those four ironies of which I am sure there are many more, a constant inner fight to do away with the taught reactions, the learned behaviours and habits.

I try but some days are harder than others, some moments in time I take that step backwards in order to take the two forwards. I hurt people when I do and that makes the one step backwards turn into 10, it hurts the deepest parts of me when I hurt others, it breaks off a chunk of my heart and throws it in the fire of torment. I hate doing that and knowing that I do by the actions I carry out turns the irony of being me into a glorified mess of catastrophic proportions.

Sometimes the lessons we need to learn in life can make us feel like over used punch bags, sometimes though they are just teaching us how to put the shards back together again.