Life Suckers (and things that rhyme)

Life suckers that gain glee from finding a fresh piece of juicy meat to gnaw their mangy blunt teeth on. You know the type, the ones that latch on and suck you dry of all you have replacing your positivity with negativity, inch by inch you become a prune of what you used to be.

Wrinkles covering our faces are nothing like the ones inside, being sucked dry from inside out leaves deeper grooves than could ever be seen upon your external skin and the damage far deeper. Depending on how long the sucker has been leeached onto you, your body will start immitating the state of your soul. Your walk will change and become sluggish, your feet not quite lifting off the street as you walk, your head is heavier and leans more forward than straight upwards, instead of facing the world your eyes fall to the fall.

Life suckers are killers, there is no pretty way of putting it and point blank they don’t deserve the meat they are sucking on, you.

Symptoms of the Life Sucker virus:

<sub>Guilt trips for simple things, this may include things such as not wanting to do something that the other wants to do in the form of “Fine, sure, I’ll go alone” or “Well I won’t eat alone so I’ll just skip”. The list for this one is long and varied, take your pick and add it to the list.

You discuss something exciting, either an idea or something you want to do, with them and they turn around and give you a negative either about why you can’t do it or point blank why it won’t work without stopping to hear you out.


They criticize you in anything you do, nothing that you do seems to meet the grade even though they miss the boat more often than not


You greet them with happiness and they respond with negatives either about you or themselves


They expect you to fix their lives instantly and when you do something to help them they turn round and spit in your face


You listen to them for hours and they ask your advice only to turn round and do the opposite or better yet ignore everything only to come back to you soon after to talk about it all over again.


They treat you well to your face and then when you turn your back you find that others come to you telling you things about yourself you didn’t even know.</sub>


The list is long, perhaps you recognise a life sucker in your life and can think of more examples. If you’re willing to share lets hear them, the more comprehensive list of symptoms we can get the better equipped we will all be in extracting this killer virus, sometimes hidden by smiles, from our lives once and for all.

The thing is, once you realise you have a life sucker in your life extracting those mangy blunt teeth is not as easy as appearances belie. Sometimes those teeth belong to family members, life long friends or even people we can’t easily remove from our lives such as work colleagues and the likes there of.

The only cure is the realisation of what they are, once you’ve come to this realisation that they are Life Suckers you will start noticing all the things that they do to you, the things that drain you of your spirit, your energy, positivity and happiness. Once you start noticing all the little things they slowly start building up to the point that you have enough resistance to their venom and become strong enough to say “Enough is enough” or better yet “I am worth more than this, I want my energy and life force back, fuck off”

Yeah I swore, no pretty way of saying it like I said. Ok so perhaps not in those exact words but you get the point, perhaps you can soften it up by telling them to go find someone else to suck dry because you’re done or tell them that they need to find happiness within themselves because living and laughing for two doesn’t quite work.

Killers these Life Suckers are, don’t let them suck you dry because one day you’ll wake up and you will be the very thing that sucked you dry.

Scary shit

Swore again but how else do you say it with the same emphasis?

Take back your life, it’s time…

Cheers to 2009

2008… What a weird, strange, wonderful, horrible, traumatic, incredible, beautiful, loving, heart breaking, joyous, loss filled, soul destroying, knee jerking, soul lightening, friendship filled year of growth and forgiveness!

There is never any bad without good, a lesson I learnt at a young age, and although this year was more eventful than I have shared there were many moments of pure “oh wows”.

This year I lost a mentor, soul mother and friend. She helped me during my homeless years, someone that kept me on the right road and called me the Daughter given by Allah. Nessa was one of the good souls in this world, someone I will hold in my heart always, one whom I shan’t forget, both her memories and lessons. I am who I am today because of this wise woman and I was truly blessed with the chance of having her in my life.

This year I gained another mentor, a soul sister and friend. Her kind and compassionate soul stuck with me through thick and thin, never faltering, she kept me sane through long moments of insanity and loves me no matter what.

This year I dug through all the cupboards within the attic of my past, went through each box one by one and did some dusting, clearing out and accepting. Reliving the past willingly was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Facing the demons that lurked in the darkest corners and staring them in the eye soul destroying at times.

This year I re-learnt some valuable lessons, picked up a few new ones and found acceptance for what was that can never be undone or changed. I forgave the trespasses against me and re-looked at the reasons for their actions, what made these people do the things they did to me. I forgave these people a long time ago but never truly faced the anger that simmered deep within my belly. I gave it up, understood and accepted. Through it all I have grown strong and never again will I allow all that has happened in the past to happen once more.

This year people whom I thought were one thing, true and with backbone broke my heart. Family members and once good friends alike, chance after chance, they proved themselves the fakes that they are. Lies, deceptions, manipulation and selfishness ripped my heart to shreds, over and over again to the point that I started to believe that there were no people in this world with a heart or soul.

This year I was shown over and over again that there are people in this world that have the biggest of hearts, whose souls shine such bright lights that they pierce the darkest of nights. For each person that broke my heart in my life I have found more than a couple of true, brilliant, amazing, warm, giving, kind, compassionate and loving people whom I now call dear friends.

Thank you all.

Fish With Legs

Some people are runners and others find their feet glued to the ground much like looking down to see that your feet are embedded in a floor of cement with not even the toes showing.

Those who have their feet solid on the floor often frown upon those that have the impulse to run. They do not understand the reasons behind a runner or what sets off a sprint. Often they will frown upon them and castigate them, laugh and pity them. Often they do not take the time to look at their own lives to see their own legs were once free and sprinting.

I am not beating anyone up here just merely explaining the different impulses as I see them, impulses brought about by more things that just fear.

Fear, an interesting creature often put to blame for the impulse to run, but is it just that? Fear? In my books it comes down to our lives, how we grew up, our self confidence, how many times we have had our hearts broken, how many times our soul has been burnt alive…

There are no short answers as to the whys nor are there any short answers to the solutions, rights or wrongs. Each persons reasons are different to the other, we are each unique and hold a different set of circumstances and life experiences.

If someone gets close to us, gets under our skin, a runners first impulse is to split the scene of the crime and not go back while a huge “Danger Danger” sign flashes in the backs of our minds in neon yellow.

“What if the person under our skin hurts us like the last person, I can’t take another heart and soul beating. I can’t risk breaking again because I might not rise again. I am just going to mess this relationship up again like the last time. I am going to fail. They are going to see me for who I am and not like me anymore. I don’t deserve this. I can’t risk experiencing true happiness in case it gets ripped from under my feet again. No ways. Stop it before it has even started, way easier. Run. Get out. Run. Fast get out quick! RUN!”

If someone is kind to us and shows compassion the same sign flashes once more.

“How long will their kindness last, will they turn into another person like the last? What if I fail them? What are the strings attached, there must be a few evil lurking strings just waiting to break me down again. Don’t trust them, they will just hurt you like the others. Don’t believe for one second that their intentions are good, no ones is, you know this, you’ve seen it over and over and over again. Run. Before they break your heart and your faith in humanity forever more. I won’t get up again if I stay around to see it all fall. Get out. Run. Fast, quick get out! RUN!”

… and so it goes, the impulse to run.

Survival of the fittest, I’ll get out before you get the chance to break me to the point I won’t be able to get up again.

Survival of the weak or of the brave?

Fear disables a persons spirit from experiencing true happiness, beauty in the small moments and life.

Fear is a giant jigsaw puzzle with so many pieces that often it can overwhelm us to even contemplate putting it all together. But, once you start finding the pieces, looking at each different colour, shape, contour and patterns, slowly it starts to fall into place. Piece by piece the puzzle grows unveiling a deeply buried truth hidden in a locked tight chest within our soul.

Putting the pieces together takes a lot of hard work, no quick fix lasts forever. Sometimes it can get so hard that we start to think that to even contemplate continuing our last thread will snap, shatter into millions of pieces. All those puzzle pieces stand like a wall before us, overwhelming us and bringing us to our knees.

If you walk into a gallery you always stand back to take in the whole image that lies before you. Looking at the puzzle we are putting together is much like that picture hanging on the wall in the gallery. In order to see how much progress we have made and are making we have to step back and look at the whole. Take in all that we have found out about ourselves, see the true growth and our stumbling blocks, where the other pieces fall and where the gaps lie.

Putting the puzzle of reasons for our fears, our impulses and our lives together is no simple four by four image. It is the most complex puzzle with contours that put a 3D shape to shame but the end result is one of the most rewarding nourishing things that feed our souls.

Without realising it the pieces that you put into the puzzle turn into the walls that once stood in your way preventing you from doing things, the walls that made a maze out of your heart and blocked true joy from filtering through to your spirit.

Its a hard, scary, sometimes floor crashing journey but more worth it than I could ever put into words. Making the choice to build that puzzle is our individual choice. Each and every single one of us has one to build, whether you do it or not is up to you.

Are you a puzzle builder?

In Experience

There is so much talk about experience these days.

In university I even studied theoretically the factors of an experience. I learnt that an experience is created when it exceeds the expectations. Further, the expectations are built up by all previous knowledge/experience. That means, when you are eating an apple that you expect to taste in a certain way and it does, it does not leave an impression on you. If you have “forgotten” how the apple taste like, you can have a similar experience as you have had before, but never the same.

(Well, maybe if you have Alzheimer’s, you can re-discover the same thing over and over again, like a gold fish swimming around in the bowl “hey, look at the castle!” but that is another discussion)

The factors of an experience are many.

- There is the “room” or the setting in which the experience takes place. This can be a restaurant, a beach, a library, an open field. Any “place” really. But the “experience room” always exists. When you are in love the experience room can be the smallest space between you and your loved ones eyes.

- Then there are the objects of your experience. What you focus on. In a positive experience you see positive things. You see the smiles of the children and your glass is always half full. In a negative experience the negative aspects of things are enhanced. You may experience the children’s play as loud and annoying.

- Your condition coming into the “experience room” is crucial. As time is always on going this means, the conditions of one experience affects the next. There are positive or negative circles of events, in which we sometimes let our selves get pulled into. Which is positive if you are in a positive circle, but quite dangerous if you are heading down a negative twirl. Anyhow, you need to be aware of the condition you are in and never blame circumstances or events, because an event is just that, an event.

- The outcome is your perception of these things. Because we are human our experience will always be subjective. Out of the factors, the condition is what has the greatest effect.

Those who have learnt to control their mind set know that an experience is not about the outer condition. Rain is rain on all people, but we are having millions of different experiences of it.

We can not share an experience.

Never judge a person by their appearance. Your judgment about other people, is the truth about your self. That is, your opinions about other people actually says more about yourself. Your previous experience, your insights, your fears...Never look neither up to nor down on people but meet them as equals. You do not know what they are experiencing, and you do not know how you would act in their shoes.

Do not think so much about what other people are experiencing, but be present in your own.

Then you will know, the experience is not in the greatness of your surroundings, but in the greatness of yourself.

Longing

beautiful as the sky is
was

maybe I was imagining it all
still

the universe is so hollow
when you let me down

time and time again

Self Awareness Week

I have had a few occasions recently that I have heard people blame their life’s problems on other people. They can’t do this or that because of another person, what they did, or what they are going to do. They use everything as an excuse.

Many people hold on to bitterness gained in their childhood. They blame their parents for everything that has happened in their lives. But really once you are an adult, you can make your own choices. No one is holding you to the behaviors of your parents anymore. I hate it when people excuse their behavior with comments like “I was raised this way” or “I was abused therefore I’m different and allowed to behave badly”.

I know a now 41 year old man who struggles financially, and personally. He blames the state of his finances on his parents. He is forever whining with “Poor ME”! Why, you might ask? His reply is: “They never taught me how to manage money”. This man didn’t have the best parents in the world, but he had everything given to him. He had nice clothes, a nice home, cars bought for him. Yet he still blames his parents for his failings in life? How could that be I wonder? His sisters who grew up in the same household all manage their money and do well financially.

I know another set of siblings who are given every single opportunity in life and more and they keep failing at everything. One of them uses the excuse that she was sick as a child, and can’t cope with life. The other, I’m not exactly sure what his problem is, but he blames his dad anyway. These people are now in their late 20’s and can’t hold jobs, can’t hold partners, and can’t deal with their own lives. How sad is that?

There is a time to deal with it and grow up. Yes, things might not have gone your way in the past, but are you going to let that affect the now and the future? Are you going to let “them” whoever they may be, put you in a place where it ruins your entire life? Haven’t they taken enough from you?

It’s hard to get rid of the “old tapes” that play in one’s mind. Believe me, I have plenty of them myself.

I had it very hard growing up. My father died early on and there was alot of physical and emotional abuse from my mother. But I have taken that energy into making myself better. Learning from mistakes. Being a solid person. That is my choice. I don’t want to relive it as an adult. Each choice that I have made has ensured that I don’t. I don’t want to marry a carbon copy of my father, or become my mother. That idea just depresses me.

We do get to choose. We can choose to be happy. We can choose to get out of the cycle, rut, stagnation of our lives and do better. Attitude is a big part of it. Making conscious positive choices rather than allowing the wave of life wash over you is another.

In the end, the only person you have to blame or congratulate for your life is you.

Jumping Fences

Today I had a very good reminder of the old saying “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”. The only thing is that it never really is. Despite outward appearances, no one ever has the perfect life.

I was reminded of this today when talking with someone on the phone who doesn’t yet know me well. This person doesn’t know that I am ill, or what my life is really like. To them, I seem like I have it all. Good home, all of the comforts that money buys. I don’t work hard, I don’t have much in the way of responsibility other than to myself. I travel and do alot of exotic things that most people only dream of. At least that is how it looks on the outside.

To her, my life seems so perfect. I have a very green yard looking over the fence at it. Living it however is a whole other challenge. You can’t see from over the fence reality.

I have seen many people envy and be envied for various reasons. Some for their beauty, other for their wealth. But even those things come with a double edged sword. Beauty fades, and one needs to constantly maintain that beauty to hold it for as long as possible. When that is gone, then what? It takes a great deal of discipline, effort and work to maintain beauty. People who have money constantly worry about keeping hold of it. There are always people who want to take it from you, or those who will only like you because of what you have.

I have also see women envy other women for the husbands that they choose. No one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors. He can be the greatest guy in public, but the biggest jerk in private. I know, I was involved with one of those not too long ago. All of the money in the world didn’t make me happy with him. Little did anyone know how verbally abusive he was in private. All the world saw was this successful man with a great fun loving personality.

My friend the Tree looked to be someone to be envied from the outside. Her grass looked oh so green. She and her husband are beautiful physically, wealthy, educated, sophisticated, well travelled, have two absolutely brilliant and beautiful children and a magnificent home. But, it doesn’t show that her husband is a bi-polar, drug abusing, very sick person. You can’t see the hell that he has put her through. So with all of that green grass to look at, her garden is merely spray painted to look that way.

Understand that we all have “crap” to deal with in our lives. No one ever has it perfect. Not that I have seen anyway. There is no such thing as perfection when it comes to life. We all have to take our fair share of drama and unhappiness, and depression. That is simply the way it works. No one ever gets a free ride ticket.

So instead of envying someone else, you might want to put that energy into making your own life as good as you can… right? Wanting what it is you have and being satisfied is a good start….

Perception Of A Childs Eyes

A confused 12 years old not quite feeling right within the body I found myself looking through old eyes at the passing squatter camps. I looked upon the shanty towns, tin shacks, the smell of the morning fires tickling my nose and the flames going up into the dawn air. As I watched it pass sitting in the car on the hour long journey to school after yet another weekend with mothers boyfriend in a far off town. I found myself enveloped in wealth of sadness as tears ran down my cheeks.

What the hell is going on in the world? Why do so many seem to think only of themselves?

Don’t people realise that there are people, kids, humans starving? Don’t people realise that people are homeless, without shelter or blankets? What the hell is going on in this world?

Disease! Wars! Terror! Death!

Don’t people see how much the world needs help? Love? Hope? Doesn’t anyone else feel saddened by what I've seen? Don’t they suffer like I do knowing that there are so many without what I have?

It wasn’t the first time the tears ran down my 12 year old cheeks and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. I could not fathom why people just didn’t seem to care and as I sat there day in and day out I came up with different ways to help the people living in those tin shacks, the people who use open fires to cook their porridge for breakfast, walk miles to just get some cooking water never mind a bath, they don’t know what baths are. I swore to myself that one day I was going to help the people in the world, that I would do all I can and not just sit by like everyone else seemed to.

During the week when we were home I would walk the 5km home with my younger brother in tow and pass homeless children and adults. Each time we passed them I felt the sadness fill my soul once more, I wanted to start helping them but I was scared, what if I did it wrong? What if the bigger people got angry with me?

After a few weeks walking past them I couldn’t take it anymore, I stopped and stood in front of a little girl. I looked at her, she was so tiny, her clothes torn, the sadness within her young eyes broke my courage free. As I bent down to take off my socks the smell of the streets permeated my whole being, she was hungry and cold. Socks in my hand I passed them to her and showed her how to put them on her feet. I will never forget her smile for as long as I live, she seemed to lighten. My used socks were the first gift she had ever received.

My socks made a difference and I decided right then and there that I would carry a pair of clean ones where ever I went from then on. I also decided that I would take some of mothers money and buy chocolates and crisps for the people I passed.

There were times that people passing by such scenes, well dressed and warm, fed and plump. They would tell me to leave the people alone, that I must go home and not worry about them, that it was their choice, that they should just get up and get work. I would look at them with silence, finish what I was doing and only once the people who had stopped had left would I continue home. I was not going to let them win, deep in my heart and soul I knew that they were wrong and it broke my heart.

I learnt a hard lesson every time someone tried to make me stop. I learnt that humans don’t see the world as I do, they don’t understand, they don’t care or try to do something even if its only small. I decided that I was going to continue as I did, that I wasn’t going to stop doing something that felt a part of me. I accepted that people were different and that some were just too busy in their own warm fully fed lives to see, that people felt guilt if they opened their eyes.

I felt strange and odd, I felt a misfit, an alien in the world. People always looking at me funny, telling me that I was different and not normal. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop the intense tight knot of sadness in my stomach. I couldn’t stop the tears that flowed down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop wanting to make a difference but I was going to do it quietly and without witnesses because the others as I now called them put other meanings to what I did.

Many years have passed since that time and the sadness still sits in my stomach like a big volcano. It simmers and bubbles away, overflowing when I watch the news, read a newspaper, see someone in pain or experiencing hard times.

The now is no different than the then except with one huge exception. The me in the present now knows of others that feel and do as I do, of people who cry tears for the world and use their souls to cast light upon the world. There are many of them and I have been blessed to be shown that they exist, better yet these people are my friends whom I hold dear within the walls of my heart.

No act of kindness is too small

No act of love too great

Together we might not be able to solve all the worlds problems, we might not be able to feed every starving soul or clothe them, put them in a warm house or teach them to read.

What stops us?

Poverty Breeding Weakness? DUH!

Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and shake my head at the “research” that is carried out. Honestly at times it makes me just wonder who the bright spark was who came up with the idea of the study?

So, they have just unveiled this new study which shows that children who are poverty stricken, who are surrounded by toxic environments, abuse, poor hygiene and diet suffer developmentally. WOW. I mean honestly! What a break through! You guys deserve a medal! Great thinking! As far as I am to understand it, this type of research on this subject has been known since hmmm cavemen time? The better nourished, the stronger the person. The more loved, the happier and more well adjusted. The more successful hunters back in the cavemen times even knew this. Everyone had an “order” to eat just like in the animal kingdom. The weakest of the group get the scraps as their worth to the society is lessened, therefore they don’t ever develop into anything more than they are. Sometimes, they themselves are killed out of need for the rest of the society.

So tell me oh genius ones who do these studies, what was the point here? Was it to study the neuro-development of these children to prevent disease later in life? Or is this it? You are going to leave us with this wonderful, no one ever thought of it piece of documented “evidence” and call it a day? I want to know exactly how much money was spent on this wonder? I bet it was a load.

Understanding medicine, our bodies is indeed a nobel task for those who research tirelessly. But it is hardly newsworthy when the studies are reported like this. I mean we all do understand this one pretty much down the line do we not? Is it the intricacies here that the study was trying to establish of exactly how it affects function? I read the study, and that was well… unclear.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-12-07-childrens-brains_N.htm?csp=34

Warmth In Cold

I don’t know about you, but I suffer from the Winterassgrowth disease, yip you know the one where you get all cosy, eat more, less exercise and just be, that one. Much like a squirrel storing its supplies for hibernation our bodies tend to hit this mode, anything we eat it keeps some back in “supplies” to keep our bodies warm.

So if you are like me then ten to one you don’t tend to work out or exercise as hard during winter as you would in summer. First hint of summer and we go “oh bleep” and start a mad rush to get in shape so that we can fit back into our summer clothes. Pure incredible madness.

In emotions it is much the same. During the winter, sad, depressing, rough times in our lives we tend to bury ourselves much like that squirrel in hope of sunshine. We build our defences, erect our walls, turn people away and run from our problems in hope that they would just disappear in our melancholy. We spend our time coping, surviving and keeping warm, not working out our emotional muscles, learning from the experience and breathing. We stop breathing.

Both you and I know our problems never just go away, if we don’t deal with our pasts, our issues or learn the lessons that need to be learnt they come back to bite us on our asses. We both know that they bite hard when they do and ten to one it's during a glorious summer. Because we never faced what we needed to, because we ran away instead of facing everything head on our summer days are shortened and tarnished with winter rains.

What if while going through a really rough time we hold on tight, we hang in there, we face the things that come our way and we breathe…

Foot Over Mouth

The noose of those in our lives that strangle the very life force from both your soul and your bones. In life you get the drainers or if you will chokers, they are the ones that want to control you, break your spirit down until it is mere shards lying scattered upon the ground. They take pleasure tightening the noose around your neck, inch by inch, sometimes slowly, sometimes with a huge jerk and pull, your oxygen dissipates.

I’ve had a noose around my head for as long as I’ve been able to take a breath of air and at times it was so tight that I could barely move let alone walk. People tend to throw guilt trips around like mothers would throw candy. At times it was just there, hanging loosely, waiting for the next tug, the next moment of strangulation.

The driving force behind these peoples actions, for them putting the noose around our necks, is many but in my case it is the need. Pure need. The need to have control over something uncontrollable, the need for love, understanding, insecurity and the need to ward off loneliness, to feel worth while and happy. They put the onus on you for all things for which they can not find within themselves, they depend on you to the extent that if you set a toe over the border to your wants and your needs they try to reign you in.

It’s a constant battle of push-pull and what makes it worse is when the relationship with the noose is such that it makes it not so easy to just cut the rope from their hands and set yourself free.

The only way I can get rid of this noose is to don some high heels. High heels in life are those that lift you up, strengthen your spirit without draining your life force. Instead these people energize you and help you reach new heights.

Problem though is that once you start taking the noose off, cutting those ties, a tug of war ensues pulling you off balance (try walking in high heels for the first time and you will know what I talk of). The noose suddenly feels the slack in the rope and quickly grabs it with all force and tries their damndest to gain control once more. If you learn how to walk in those heels quick enough, strengthen your leg muscles and breathe it is possible to regain the balance. Difficult as it may seem, it is possible to learn how to walk.

Over the last year I’ve gained a few pairs of these high heels and they have helped stave off the power of the noose around my neck. I’ve had to relearn how to walk without the weight of the rope pulling my airways through. I’ve had to learn how to breathe again and to exercise my vocal and spiritual lungs. The noose didn’t like this much, not at all.

_{A thank-you to my friends}

Dust Of The Earth

" With a passion for ideas, a mind for philosophy, and a heart for the aesthetics of truth, it wasn’t long before Rebecca found her niche in the art of documentary. She discovered that film making is a process of transformation and that it is important not only to affect the audience, but the people involved in the production of the film itself. Rebecca hopes to create films that inspire people to be better than they are, to consider things that don't normally enter into their cognitive sphere, and to approach life as an open debate full of ideas, controversy and respect. " - indiepixfilms.com

Blinkx Video: Rebecca Rose - Dust Of The Earth

Just a bit of even older work.. 2005... Comment away.

November Bray

late november
still no snow

mr winter is waiting
on the subway
like everyone else
for a second there
you almost had me fooled

I belong to nobody
and nobody is always around me
playing with my laughter
making me smile
because it’s all so silly

life is too easy
let’s complicate it
to make it smaller
the secret is out
but you are not listening

my warm sweater
matches my heart
and my blood red nails polish
brings colors to life

it’s been a crazy year

winter waits for nobody
it’s all around me

Certainty For The Passing Skies

You know, even if I don't write in a public journal, I always write. For no reason at all I'm debating on posting them, atleast some of them. Most who read my journal get the impression I leave my inner most thoughts here . . .

_{I really wish that were the case.}

- Update

It's Nov 30th and I've gotten midway through June... Tedious tasks tend to take me forever. Forgive me.

Compassion For The Masses

I've changed, I've evolved, and I've gotten myself stuck in a situation that I'm not sure how to do the thing I'm best at- run.

If a person stays in an unhappy relationship are they wasting each other’s time to move forward in life? If person cannot truly be themselves around the person they are with, then what is the point of being with them in all reality? It also stops a person from becoming the person truly are meant to be... A happy relationship leads to a happy life since it all works together. Or so I keep telling myself...

Then I've to ask myself if a happy relationship is even able to exist. People's social behaviours change as often as the wind, thus how do you ever know what you have will last beyond this passing breeze?

I want moments in life to mean something more than just another day. I want a kiss to mean more than just a kiss.

I am simple girl that I am not the type that needs all of his attention every single minute of the day. It is those simple things that get to my heart the most like cooking dinner, flowers, watching a movie at home, a smile with a hug or a simple note with saying he wants me. Getting to my heart is very simple with kindness and compassion.

The heart says so many feelings that cannot be explained. It feels so strong at moments feels so right at other times can feel so wrong. I think the egyptians were correct, it's stronger than we think it is. It does what it wants at times really have no control over it. The heart has mind of its own in so many ways. That cannot be explained with a word but felt with a feeling.

I'm not sure if I'm justified in my worries, each passing moment I think I grow to resent a little more for serveral different reasons. I do my best not to step on toes or tread water, not like some people, for I am not careless. Is it too much to ask for someone who holds emotion in the same regaurd?

_{When he resembles the man I got involved with, I am madly in love with him
I've always been attracted to him
I liked the humble loyal man he was, the cocky guy who I cant trust is a stranger to me}

Expectations Of Self

Who are you? Are you the person that you allow the world to see? Or do you hide behind a mask of who you think the world wants? If you do hide, why isn’t being you good enough?

I think many of us go through life always trying to please everyone else. We become what others say we should be. But what about us? What about what we want for ourselves? Do we value that person who is ourselves so little that we are willing to sacrifice them for the sake of others wishes and needs? And to what cost to our own being are we doing that?

Do you always find yourself a chameleon in your crowd? Blending in with whoever you are around at that moment? Ever wondered to yourself why? I have wondered that very thing. Why I try to blend into the world, when I obviously evolved to stick out! I was never supposed to be someone who just went along with the program of life. I am supposed to forge a new life for myself, showing others the way how to do it for themselves.

My times where I am most unhappy is when I try to be something for someone else and don’t stay true to who I am. I question myself the most at these times, and I try to learn from my mistakes. Still occasionally I fall like everyone else does into the trap of being a people pleaser. I don’t like to create waves or cause grief. I like to make everything calm in my surroundings. Sometimes that means compromising myself to make that happen. How sad is that?

I like who I am. I am proud of the woman I see in the mirror each day. My goal to leave this world a better place is a lofty one and one that I am happy with. I never intentionally do harm or have malice of heart or spirt. So what else should I expect from me I wonder?

Turn Left

Depending on what stage we are in our lives, we can sometimes feel like we ought to know more about who we are or how to live. We may even berate ourselves for making the same mistakes, or for just not “getting it,” whatever “it” may be. We wonder how our lives would be now, if only we had “known better.” During moments like these, it is important to remember that none of us are born with instruction manuals and that learning lessons is a lifelong journey.

Inherent to our being born is that we are here to observe, learn, and grow. Accompanying this is a built-in guarantee that there will be mistakes and misadventures along the way. And while it is only natural that we may sometimes become overwhelmed, especially when the lessons keep coming, it is important to remember that learning to understand yourself and your world is an ongoing and active process where the journey is more important than the destination. Every lesson is intended so you can become more of who you are. And as you grow through this self-discovery, you begin to create your own instruction manual. The “how’s” and “why’s” are yours to discover, and part of the beauty of being alive is that these rules are always changing.

If you feel that you would like to explore what your personal instruction manual may already say, then try writing down in order some of the significant events that have happened to you. It’s also important to take note of what you learned from each one. When you are done, you may be surprised to discover how much you are always growing, and that every lesson learned always informs the next. That being said, there is never any need to be hard on yourself or think that you should have it all figured out. We always know as much as we’re meant to know at that moment, and growing into our fullness is a process that unfolds in divine timing. You and your life are beautiful works in progress. Discover yourself and embrace your life’s lessons, and your instruction manual will create itself.

Have A Nice Day!

I have read a great deal about positive thinking and how it can help aid in success and happiness. People who have motivational sayings, pictures of goals that can be seen often and repeatedly have more of a statistical chance to make those goals happen. That is a fact according to the studies I have read.

I am unsure if the reason for this is that you are constantly reminded to keep your “eye on the ball” so to speak, or if it changes your thinking in ways that make you behave in a more successful manner.

Years ago I read an interesting study about successful people. Some huge percentage of those people wrote out a list of goals that they wanted to achieve in high school, and a life plan on how to attain those goals. An even higher percentage of those who made lists, gave themselves timelines in order to achieve each step towards their goal.

Many books have been written about this subject. Seeing yourself successful and happy being the theme. Books like “The Secret” and “7 habits of highly effective people”.

I have mentioned that as a child I attended Silva Mind Control seminars with my mother which focuses on the same type of positive thinking equals positive results philosophy. Dare I say it, but part of the basis of Scientology (those whackjobs) is overcoming negative thinking and visualizing your goals as being achieved.

My mother who was in sales for basically her whole career used to visualise herself making the sale. When she did this, and she focused on it, she noticed a dramatic increase in her sales. Once she was very frustrated with her management in one store, so she decided to visualize herself being top salesperson to show that manager he was wrong. She achieved her goal and surpassed her targets for the entire quarter in that month.

The problem with this is that it takes discipline and focus. Most people do it for a while and then forget. That is why tangible reminders like pictures on your refrigerator door, desktop on your computer, and notes to yourself help keep you motivated and on track.

Positive thinking really has no drawback. It costs nothing to do, there is no side effect or downside. Maybe its worth thinking about to make the changes in your life that you wish to make? Worst thing that could happen with all of that positive energy is that you could in fact “Have a nice day”!

Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

I have been in situations where people have hurt me to the core of my being. I mean, really truly hurt me. Yet, they have later come to me and have apologized for their tresspasses towards me and asked for my forgiveness. I have forgiven them both for them and for me. I haven’t seen the point in hanging on to the anger and the bitterness of the situation.

There have been times I have chosen although to forgive this person, at the same time, I have not chosen to continue with them in my life. That was a difficult thing. It leaves them feeling as though they haven’t been truly forgiven. They have. I just don’t need to put myself into that situation again to be hurt. I have realised I don’t NEED that person in my life and what they brought to my life wasn’t significant enough to warrant me continuing to have any kind of contact or relationship. It was unhealthy.

I have also been in the position of looking at the entire situation, the person as a whole and being able to really see the hurt for what it was. I was able to forgive that person, not forget what they have done, but love them and move on with them as a part of my life. It wasn’t an easy thing to do by any means. Trust had to be re-established. They as a person had to be worth risking putting myself out there for again. What they brought to my life had to be worth it. The good had to outweigh the bad. I had to decide in my mind and heart and soul if this was something that would be isolated, or something that would be habit from them.

Only once in my life have I been someone who has really needed forgiveness for my own transgressions. I made mistakes because I was not trying to hurt anyone but actually I was trying to inflict the most minimal of damage to all parties. Trying to take the biggest hit to myself. It was an arrogant thing to do looking back on it, and in some ways a weak thing. But of course hindsight is always 20/20. I am now the one seeking forgiveness. It is an uncomfortable and an unusual place for me to be. A very humbling place for my soul.

Being on this side of the fence for a change has taught me about patience. I feel now what all of the people have felt when they have wanted my forgiveness in the past. That anxious feeling. That need for the other person to let it go and say it will all be ok. My own need to fix it and make it better due to my guilt, and self loathing.

Being on both ends in my life I see now that it is a process. Not an easy one at that for either party. I have to have faith that forgiveness will come from my heart and from those I seek forgiveness from. One step at a time. One day at a time. At least there will be no fear of anyone forgetting this important life lesson. I am grateful for it. It will make me stronger and better in the end.

Alien Among Us

Have you ever felt truly loved just for being you, you as you are in your entirety, the bad habits, the good habits, the falls and the rises?

Think of an alien placed in the middle of a busy street. People rushing everywhere and he is trying to get their attention. He is trying to find directions but no one understands what he is trying to saying or what he is all about. No one understands that his skin is green or that he has three eyes.

It gets to the point that the alien all but gives up on the idea of finding someone that will be able to understand him. He meets people on and off that give him the impression at first of understanding only to find that they wanted his shoes, his warm jacket or his soul.

Slowly but certainly the alien starts to believe that he was cursed to a planet of hollow humans. Time and time again the people came to him and each time he would pray to the universal Gods that this time, this time, the person would not turn into a hollow shell. It seemed that the Gods were never listening to his pleas, his soul was tired and weary, his heart all but shattered from exhaustion.

Then one day, as he stood there in the middle of that busy street, a billboard sign flashes “BLOG BLOG BLOG: The safer alternative, a place where you can be yourself and no one can touch you”. He jumped at the idea, started a blog and got to writing, he poured his heart and soul into the words he put to electronic paper. No one had to understand him, at least in the blog world he could tell the ether what he was all about and the ether couldn’t touch him.

As days turned to months he soon realised that the billboard was the first true advertisement he’d ever seen. People were finding his words that truly understood what he was saying. For the first time in his life he was not a fully fledged alien, perhaps it was the other people that were the aliens and not him all along. Suddenly there are actual real people who take the time to try and understand him, people who accept his green skin and aren’t bothered by all his eyeballs staring back at them.

At first he can’t understand what is happening to him, he wants to believe but then is so scared. What if it is a practical joke by the Gods? What if he had died and gone back to Mars? What if it was all just a dream as he lay in the street asleep?

These people who proved to him that he was also human and not the alien he had always felt to be didn’t disappear over night. They didn’t turn into hollow shells nor did they run away as the gremlins came out of the closet. Slowly as each day passed the once alien now human began to adjust, to flex his muscles and to feel fully. His ripped soul started to heal and the walls surrounding both soul and heart started to fall, his shattered heart was all but whole once more.

The relief the alien feels is insurmountable after travelling for decades to find such friendship, a friendship he had only ever dreamt of, longed for, prayed for. The night sky turned to a brilliant sunny day, the busy street began to quieten, filling up with true and genuine people. Life started to feel as though the Gods had only been preparing him for what was to come for had he never known true hollow shelled humans how would he have ever been able to tell the difference between them and the genuine ones?

Yes the Gods had really blessed him for he realised he was in fact a human in an alien world.

He was human and he was loved anyway.