Remember Well

Simple right? I don’t quite know about the simple part in that whole remembering what you learnt process.

That’s one of the things I’ve worked so hard at not doing that all of a sudden I am doing ALL the time again. All sentences either start with “sorry” or end with one, period. It’s like a new slang that is so old for me its tiring.

I am smoking, albeit its the secret, have done for 3 weeks now and all during the time that I was keeping everyone from themselves, or eachother. It is no excuse, I felt the stress, I bought the smokes, bought another box and then another. Stupid really but there you go, no turning back just quitting. The guilt though for not telling those I love hurts more than I can put into words because I feel like I’ve let everyone done. Another reason perhaps for “sorry” to everything.

I find myself on edge and losing self belief, self confidence… the old “what if’s” have returned and it’s driving even me nuts. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t fit in? What if I can’t be my witty self anymore?

What if this is all a dream and I wake up once again tomorrow only to find my heart broken for a fourth time? Each time I heard the news broke a new chunk of my heart off. Sure I act all strong but it did break me.

Truth is I know I will be fine, I know that I am strong, that I can handle any kind of situation, that I can do anything. It’s not ego its experience from being here so many times before but for some reason I temporarily lost all that I had learnt over the year past.

So if I seem a bit odd, or if I say sorry, act freaked out or worried or just plain nuts know that its just fear and the fact that I am freaking out just a little… kind of like a speed wobble, like jello on a dashboard… yips that’s me in moments.

None of it is helped by the fact that my loved ones are being overly protective all of a sudden, wanting to take control of my process.

I know what I have to do and I know the days are flying and I will be there very soon indeed, in the mean time I just ask that you cross your fingers and your toes for me…