Unmapped Isle

I feel confused and yet my mind is so clear.
I am neither happy nor sad, perhaps simply content.
I wonder where I am going, but my mind is preoccupied with where I have already been, especially lately. I have never really been one to dwell on the past, but as the nights come I find myself staring up at the ceiling and thinking about what once was. It’s unusual for me. Foreign, but not necessarily unwanted. I know that no amount of thought can ever change the past. Maybe… maybe I can learn something new by analyzing, remembering. But change? No. I cannot change what has already occured, I can only change how I perceive it.

I feel so different and yet so the same.
I haven’t changed, but I’m not me.
I’m me, but I’ve completely changed.
Trying to make sense really isn’t my forte, I suppose. My mind is everywhere and no where at the same time. I can’t even really explain how I feel; I do not know if I have actually ever felt like this before. I saw people today and I wasn’t needy for their attention. I did not care much one way or the other. They could choose to talk to me, they could choose not to talk. I find that the less I care, the more people seem to enjoy my company. Probably because I am calmer, more sane when I am not in a fit of worry? Can others feel that?

I floated today. Like a cloud. A lax, easy-going cloud with no feelings one direction or the other. And while there was a very real emptiness lingering in my chest, I realized that the emptiness was due to the fact that somewhere along the line, I have lost a part of myself. That missing piece isn’t someone else that I need to find, it’s me. I suppose that finding that piece of yourself that you lost is like trying to find mythical buried treasure. You don’t know what the treasure is, or if it is even worth the effort, but you know that you’ll feel unaccomplished if you don’t try to find it.

Maybe that is the reason that I have been looking so much into the past as of late? Maybe I’m just trying to retrace my steps, trying to remember when I lost that little piece of my heart.

_{Too bad I already know . . .}